98 days.

Breathe.

Ok.Life is a bit of a merry-go-round right now, as far as balancing the search for spiritual growth with the search for professional direction, but I wouldn't trade this shit for anything.

 I have until the end of March to find a place to get into, and thats a little stressful, but I also have recieved a few offers...I just dont know if any opf them would prove to be the right thing to do."To thine own self be true."Great saying.Ill remember that when im in line at the soup kitchen lol.

 Job prospects:Got a few good leads, one of which could prove to be pretty lucrative and promising, but once again, I dont call the shots.Im just going to go where im led.Until last week, I was talking to a recruiter for the Marine Corps.Yeah, I know.I wouldnt have imagined either.I took the ASVAB exam to see what kind of jobs I'da been eligible for and did very well, but after they got somemedical records they told me I'm not eligible for service.Apparently I have some kind of a vision problem?O well.

 So heres me, doing the legwork.Trying to get by.Life is good. :)

On a side note:My Aunty Amber has arrived.Yaaay!Shes really kool, but she fights dirty.Her and Mary are getting along great and I see nothing but good things for them.You guys are an example and a reminder of how the right couple should compliment each others personalities.Congrats, bitchez.

Also, I got the chance to meet my friend Leslie (Ash) in person last weekend and we had alot of fun.We're not dating or anything cuz i know that inquiring minds want to know, but shes a trip.We went to the movies, out to eat, beat the shit out of each other, and went swimming.Not neccessarily in that order.Were probably gonna hang out again soon.

Thats about it.Gotta go make myself pretty and do some job-hunting.Peace.

LaLaLa.

Last week I hit 60 days.Woohaw.Everything is going pretty well.Still looking for work though, thats kind of a bummer.:( Well something will turn up soon enough.Latest news?

Ive been slackin a little bit on my meetings and shit do I feel it.I guess i could describe meetings as a way for me to get centered and stay focused.A way of dealing with reality...with using no longer an option Ive found that the other problems i have persist and now I dont have an easy answer for them.If I dont go to a meeting for like a week, I am in trouble.Im my own worst enemy and 'in my head' is not a fun place to be when I am not balanced.Sooooo more meetings for me! :D

I was listening to a good AA friend speak the other day and he was talking about holding meetings at the public detox  center downtown.He mentioned how lonely and desperate these ppl all were, and it hit me that I need to go down there with him and volunteer.By all rights, I should be there right now with them anyways.I didnt tell everyone this, but the day my stepmom called me, Stef and I were literally sitting in our packedup appt waiting for the sheriffs to come and put our shit on the lawn.We had been found guilty in court about 2 weeks prior and we would have been out, had we anywhere in the world to actually go.I should be in a homeless shelter right now eating soup and wearing somebodys old flannels.I owe somebody BIGTIME.

So we set it up and starting next week we are going to start going down there together.Im looking forward to it.It was also brought to my attention that the county jail needs volunteers to come in and hold meetings for ppl who are incarcerated.Once again, there but for the grace of the gods go I....so there I go.Besides, I know itll help me out too and stayin buisy is a priority for me lately.

So thats about it....Oh Im also going to madison tonight for the weekend so Im lookin forward to seein my friends Amber and Charlie.Its been a while.Ok.Thats really it this time.

Peace on you all.

Hey yall.

Strange past few days.Battling a sinus infection...didnt go to meetings from sunday afternoon to just last night, and what a coincedence?I got in my fuckin head and stayed there for 4 days, feeling sorry for myself and counting your defects.Not a good idea.Its almost easy to stop using, but alot of ppl forget that it is that addicts way of thinking that they have to stop in order to get well.When im not accountable, when im not helping others, when im just sitting around feeling miserable, it fucks up my whole universe now.So today im getting shit accomplished.Today im going try to be the best Doc that I can.Today Im going to try to be honest with myself and others.Today im not going to look at my half full glass and wonder who the fuck drank the other half.

 Matters of the heart:Coping with loss.Banishing bitter thoughts.Smiling for the past and the future.Not dwelling on what wont help me be who I need to be.

 Also, to the little one:Im sorry that this didnt work out the way that you had hoped.Dont be embarrassed and dont worry because Im still your friend.Remember that, good times or bad, "This too shall pass."And dont do that 'i know you dont need this right now' stuff either because I've come to realize that life doesnt limit what it gives us to just what we need or want, but it also doesnt give us any more then we can handle.

 What else?OH YEAH!This part goes out to everyone whos a part of the rumor mill:From now on, please count me out.When I ask about so-and-so, either tell me they are fine or to remember them in my prayers.If you suspect something, keep it to yourself please, unless its something that I need to know.By listening to halftruths and gossip, I came to some fucked up conclusions that I should have known werent true about certain goings-on.We do not help each other by discussing other peoples problems that we cannot change.I am well aware that I am at fault here too.But enough about that shyte.

 Positive note?Fuckiney right.You guys are the reason I am doing what I am today.You who cared so much for such a pathetic creature.You who saw through selfimposed bullshit and told me what I needed to hear in a matter that I could deal with.You who truly and sincerely wanted to help me to become a better person and overcome the obstacles of life.This is what love really is about, and I am at your service if any of you ever need me.

"Stay peace, your mind will reach insane heights."

Peace.

One month without a drunk or high?Who is that masked man?

 Life.No additives.No preservatives.Ok I lied, caffiene and nicotine like a mad muthafuckah.Anyway, theres some shit that I feel I need to talk about, and Ima try to be as discreet as possible.

On tuesday, my relationship of almost one year came to its official end.No surpises there as it had to happen in order for both of us to grow.Of coarse Im going to miss her.You cant forget a years worth of good times and bad times.With any serious relationship, no matter how calmly it may end, theres always a grieving process.For the most part, Im dealing really well.Im surprisingly calm.There is one factor that is kind of a shot in the pride, but without that factor, I know that this whole thing would have been a whole lot messier.Blessings in disguise.In any case, heres some shit I need to get off of my chest:

 Dear You,

Thank you for a wonderful year.What a wild and funky love rollercoaster.We survived it though, kiddo, and we're both stronger for it.Part of me will always love you.Pardon that cliche, but its true.You put up with alot of shit from me and Im sorry for ever making you hurt.You were a lover, a counselor, a caretaker, a hair-holder, a partner,and alot of other things.Without you, I wouldnt be doing what Im doing today.You're a beautiful woman and I know that you will find happiness.Im very proud of you for doing what you are.And so, for everything, for all the times you dragged my drunkenass into bed and tucked me in, for all the love you gave, and especially for teaching me that I can love and be loved,

 Thank you.

 Sincerely, Me

Thats all, folks.Peace.

Happyholidaysfromtheharrisons.

Hey all.Heres da latest:

Thursday will make one month sober, and life is good.Scary good.Back in the day, when things were this calm, it usually meant that somethin really difficult was around the corner.Usually somethin I brought on myself.It probably doesnt help that theres a couple of 'old timers' around the clubs that shoot me dirty looks because of the way i dress and say things like 'oh hes just in 'the honeymoon' phase of the program'.I dont know.Even if this happiness is artificial, it is working better than anything Ive tried before.Shit still happens.Life still kicks me in the scrot once in a while, but now Im learning to deal with it instead of retreating, ignoring, or lying about it.Most everyone I meet on the program is VERY supportive, and im becoming pretty close with alot of the newcomers that started around the same time as me, exchanging phone numbers and calling on days where they arent doing so well...iono.Shit is strange and a month ago I would have never pictured myself doing the things im doing today, but it works.Anyway, enough about my alky dopefiend ass.

Thanks to alla yall for bein so supportive.Love and light!

Oh shit I almost forgot, I have a pretty good lead on a job, so keep yer toesies crossed. ;)

Talk atchya later!

- Doc